Day 1

Andy deployed yesterday morning, and it is just finally sinking in.  As I folded his laundry and put his things in the dresser, I thought, he won't wear these again for at least seven months.  Uggh.  That seems like forever right now.  I know that once we get into a routine the time will fly by.  But today it seems like eternity.  So the question is, do I start a deployment return tracker?  Do I tick off the days and watch the time get smaller?
We had to memorize the "days" as a Plebe at the Naval Academy.  How many days until parents' weekend, how many days until Thanksgiving, Christmas, spring break, graduation.  I hated counting those days.  Although the days passing indicated that we were moving towards something good, the sheer magnitude of the days left always depressed me.  I think that may be why Plebe year seemed like the longest year of my life.
I don't want these seven months to be the longest of my life--I want them to be lived, not just survived.
Thankfully, I have a sweet little happy boy to keep me occupied.  Nicholas is so much fun--full of so much excitement and wonder.  It is really only during his nap times and after he goes to bed at night that I have time to contemplate this time that stretches out like the shore of an empty beach at the end of a winter day.

Let's just count this day.  One day, to enjoy, to play, to live.
Baby is stirring, what games can we play today?

...and this is what we played!  Bubbles!

Finding the joy of cooking :)

I haven't really updated this blog as the previous title is still true for the most part--we are making due without Daddy around very much.  When he is home, we make the most of every minute, but while he's away, I find myself searching for things to fill the day.  Of course Nicholas fills up most of it, and even when he's asleep I find myself looking at pictures of him and reminiscing on the day's fun.  But I've discovered that I need something for me, separate from Nicholas, to enjoy.

So--my latest hobby is cooking!  I am still relatively new to the whole idea of cooking.  Somehow I managed to wriggle out of helping mom at mealtimes when I was growing up. I was so busy with school and sports that it didn't take much convincing that I had little extra time to help.  "But mom," I'd argue, "I'll have plenty of time to learn to cook when I'm a mom some day!"  Well, the day has arrived, and it's about time for me to learn!

I've always been intimidated by cooking.  Andy loves to cook and introduced me to the joys of food network and the genius of Alton Brown, his hero.  My biggest beef against cooking was the amount of time that I put into a meal did not equal the amount of time that we enjoyed it.  Cooking time = one hour.  Eating time = 15 minutes.  Done.  And then there was all of that cleaning up to do afterwards!  But those were the days when I worked for ten-twelve hours and then went to school at night.

Last summer, as the school year ended and I found myself with my first summer off since high school, I searched for things to fill my days.  I did a little traveling and catching up with friends, but as I was eight months pregnant, I mostly just prepared the nest for Nicholas, enjoyed the blessings of air conditioning, and enjoyed food network!  I loved the joy with which the chefs approached food--the passion and creativity that they infused into their cooking really inspired me.  I recognized the importance good cookware like sauté pans and dutch ovens, learned cooking terms like sous vide and braise, and discovered ingredients like mascarpone and fennel.  All of those cooking shows began to marinate into me, and before long I decided it was time to stop just watching cooking shows and time to take action!

Don't get me wrong, I'm still filled with a little bit of fear and trepidation when it comes to cooking, and I have to rely heavily on the exact directions of a recipe, but I'm slowly gaining a little more confidence, and actually beginning to enjoy using my kitchen!  I've discovered tools like the kitchen aid mixer (which I used for the first time last week) and how easy it is to make your own whipped cream.

With Andy on duty every three days or out to sea, I haven't had to worry about how the meals came out.  If my experiments are duds, I can always have cereal :).

Here's a few of my latest experiments which went really well!

I made carrot cake cupcakes with cream cheese frosting for a playdate last week.  I love to bake and have to wait until I have friends over or I will eat it all myself!!

Rachel Ray's recipe for meatballs and spaghetti sauce was amazing the next day for lunch as a meatball sub!

Arugula salad topped with caramelized pears fennel and walnuts and sprinkled with goat cheese.  Who needs dressing?

Toasted Italian bread topped with mozzarella and fresh tomato slices and drizzled with olive oil and balsamic vinegar.

Never tried fennel before so I decided to do it three ways--watching way too much top chef!  roasted with olive oil and salt and pepper, thinly chopped and mixed with orange slivers olive oil and lemon, and sautéed in the same butter, brown sugar, champagne vinegar that the pears were caramelized in.

Alright, I'm making myself hungry.  Time for a cupcake!

Without Daddy

Without daddy this month we've been filling our days with playdates, Y workouts, errands, and experiencing new frontiers where no baby has gone before (in our house anyway). We have to stay busy or else we miss Andy too much. Nicholas has developed by leaps and bounds this last month, learning to crawl, pulling himself up to standing, and even taking gigantic strides when holding on to mommy's hand. We've had a few adorable photos, and some not so great shoots. I try to keep Andy up on the daily little bits of life that he's missing while out to sea. Nicholas grows so fast that even in a month Andy's going to find him a completely different boy. I'm going to put an excerpt from an email to Andy below that gives you a snapshot of our day--a day in the life of a stay at home mom--such an adventure!

Hi sweetheart,

Turns out the batteries for the camera's flash take a long time to charge, so I had to use the regular flash today, which is blinding for him, thus he's not too thrilled about my snapping away--as you can tell :). I decided, although these pictures are not very good, that they would still make you smile, even at how bad they are, because they are of our little precious boy. One picture had a time delay, so he is just a faint blur, which really showcases how much he's moving around right now! Today was fun--went to church like I said earlier, then he took his morning nap and then we went out to run errands. He goes down easily for the morning nap, but the afternoon one is becoming an epic battle and the evening is often just as difficult. Guess I need to study the new sleeping patterns of this new animal--a "toddler." I believe his species is defined as "one who toddles." He is so excited about standing and all of his new found awareness that it's just TOO MUCH FUN TO SLEEP MOM!

He is having so much fun wherever he goes--people just love making over him, and he enjoys the attention. He chortled in delight today sitting on the couch and chewing on a little cloth book--I tried to capture it on video, but I think the moment was gone. Can't wait for you to just sit and watch him play. It's so amazing to see him looking at a book that we've read 100 times like it's the first time he's ever seen it. He's really starting to play with his toys and study them. He is all about trying to move from one piece of furniture to the next, although he's very cautious about his balance--I'm glad about that, don't want him taking needless nosedives! Went out to Ihopwith mom and dad tonight. I got Nicholas the kids' meal macaroni and cheese with fresh fruit on the side. He could do without the fruit--made the most hilarious and horrible expressions over cantaloupe and pineapple. Then...came the macaroni and cheese. He just about fell out of his highchair with excitement over the wonderful, delicious, best food he's ever eaten, macaroni and cheese. I wish I hadn't introduced him to this not very nutritious meal...but now I can't take it back! He had his hands out to his sides like he does when he's excited about food, almost like he's guarding an opponent, daring us to get by him with a bite of that food. He ferociously bites down on the spoon and kind of gives his head a shake, like Djinn does when he's killing his prey. Then, if anyone gets distracted while he's being fed and doesn't do it fast enough, he gives a little trumpet of frustration. He kicks his feet about in happiness while the macaroni is going down, and he stuffs as much in his mouth as it can hold. Then, when he was finally satisfied, he started to notice the other patrons and smile and make eyes at the little girl next to us. He actually leaned all the way back in his highchair to see around her dad, and then just stayed like that, staring at her open mouthed and somewhat mesmerized. Her mom teased her and prompted her to come up to him and say hi and smile, and then he just looked up at her with the biggest open mouthed smile I have ever seen. He was in love! She gave him a little kiss on the cheek. Already going after the older women! Go Nicholas ;). Of course, she was a bit mousy looking with big glasses, but she was fun and feisty too. Her mom kept making silly faces at Nicholas to make him smile, and it let me finish my food so I was thankful for that! People just love that boy, and he loves people so his little world is pretty wonderful and full of happy smiling faces all beaming love at him. Wish we all saw the world that way!

Here are some of the bad but precious pictures that I sent:

Meet Nicholas Flash: too fast for the camera

What am I thinking of?

Look mom, no pants!

said with clenched teeth: mom, please stop taking pictures! Or I'll start making weird faces....

Like this! (I've never seen this expression before!)

hopefully not a glimpse of the future! Mom, let me out (of course he has an entire living room of toys to play with, but he just wants to hold onto the baby gate!)

Now these are the cute ones: Got a grandma kiss on his cheek :)

My sweet angel

Such a joyful little boy! Showing off his two bottom teeth :)

On the move!

We have been on the move this last month, visiting friends and family all along the East Coast. Nicholas has been a trooper, my little traveling champ! He delighted everyone with his friendliness and excitement for life. What a blessing this little man has been to me, especially as his daddy has been out at sea.

Memorial day weekend we headed down to Jacksonville, FL to stay with our good friends Amy and Chris and meet Andy when his ship pulled into port. Nicholas loved watching Connor, who is a few months older, crawl and cruise about his home, chattering to everyone. Nicholas started babbling more in response and immediately wanted to stand and hold onto the table just like Connnor!

We made our first visit to the pool, where Nicholas wasn't sure about the water at first, but soon began to love splashing and bobbing in the water.

Our time with Andy in Jacksonville was precious, but it was over too quickly. Andy's last night with us was wonderful, we ate a delicious meal at Barbara Jeans, and then walked around St. Johns' Town Center, a beautiful outdoor mall. We tried to stretch the evening out as long as possible before saying a sad goodbye to daddy.

We headed up to visit our family in Atlanta, GA and Greenville, SC, and had a wonderful time catching up with the cousins who are growing like weeds! We were blessed with wonderful hospitality from our family, and it was so much fun to see Nicholas interact with his great Aunts and Uncles.

We came home for a few days and then we were off again visiting friends in Alexandria. We had a wonderful time catching up with old friends, and again, Nicholas was such a trooper and traveled so well! He loved visiting Christine and Jon and playing with their cats and dogs. He laughs out loud when he sees a dog, so of course Andy and I want to get him one now!

I feel like I have a completely new baby boy now--all personality and on the move!

All of the traveling really drew out Nicholas' joyful personality. He seems to have grown so much more aware of his surroundings and other people, and he loves exploring everything! As soon as we got home, Nicholas started crawling too! It started as a slow, Army crawl drag, and now, if I turn around for a second, Nicholas is across the room! He's already mastered the two stairs from the living room into the kitchen, and I caught him working on the big set of stairs this afternoon as we were headed out the door. Time to child proof! I hadn't discovered that Nicholas could climb and pull himself up until he climbed out of his crib and fell onto the floor :(. I heard a loud THUMP upstairs followed by a long wail. My heart stopped and for a minute I couldn't fathom that Nicholas had caused that loud noise, it was inconceivable to me that he wasn't perfectly safe in his crib. Praise God that he was unhurt; his crying turned to laughter as soon as he saw the kitty cat. Needless to say we immediately lowered the crib to it's lowest setting, something we'd been talking about doing all the previous week!

We had wonderful father's day, thankfully Andy was back home long enough to celebrate with us. Nicholas LOVES his daddy--everything daddy does is so much fun.

Can you tell we love this boy?

12 step program for online shopping?

Sandbox threads? Really?

Okay, I admit it. I have a problem. I am addicted to online shopping for baby stuff. I've never been much of a shopper. In fact, I've always been a bit tight with my money. Frugal if you will. But now I have the most amazing thing in the world to accessorize --my baby! And what is more, he keeps growing and doing cool stuff that I can by new clothes and new toys for. But even with all of this temptation, I might be able to abstain from the shopping bug if it weren't for amazing baby-stuff websites. Let's just call them ABSWs. Online shopping has evolved since the day of ebay I've discovered. You don't have to hunt and search for baby items, there are ABSWs which display the hottest and best trends, new ones every day, and get this--the ultimate kryptonite for women shoppers...they're on sale! Yes, every day--at least 50% off!?! What a brilliant scheme. It's almost like shooting fish in a barrel. What woman hasn't gone weak in the knees for a good shoe or clothing sale? We'll elbow other women out of the way for a discount like this in the mall. Black friday, cyber monday, who cares? I have amazing sales every day emailed to my account. The links are filled with colorful pictures of happy babies and contented moms, just beckoning me to click away and discover what new discounted joys await. And these sites store my credit card information, which makes it even easier to complete a transaction in just a few clicks. I don't have to hunt for my billfold and perhaps take a few seconds to breathe and decide I really didn't need a third diaper bag after all. But the most deceptive and ingenious ABSWs add to the pretty pictures and amazing sales a third element which I find almost impossible to evade--a limited quantity! Yes, these devious sites know how our mom minds work. We like to shop yes, but we typically hunt and peck--we compare and discuss and shop around. But when you are faced with a limited supply of an item, one you just know will finally complete your lust for baby stuff (yes, I have to have another shopping cart cover--this one has a place for all of his toys to go!) and visions of other mothers poised to purchase this very same item, rationality and discernment flies through the window. This is so much more exciting than "winning" an ebay item...which is like a horse-and-buggy ride compared to this speed racing adrenaline rush of procuring your item before the "sold out!" label is posted. Sometimes I have buyer's remorse afterwards, but more often my anticipation is heightened as I get to track shipping status and know that some day soon I'll get a knock on my door and a lovely brown box will appear on my porch full of so much fun stuff to open. It's better than Christmas!

But I am getting better. Maybe.

Step 1. A friend shared a jedi-mind trick in which you consider the shipping cost. Typically, these sites don't offer the super saver shipping of Amazon--they tack on $10 or $20 more for shipping, but you don't see that until the last page right before you select order. Now, you might say that $10 or $20 isn't much when you consider that the items are 50% off and you're probably "saving" well over that amount, but I promise, it does help a bit.

Step 2. Not setting an alarm to remind myself to go check the new babysteal of the day also removes one of the triggers for my addictive behavior. Yes...yes I actually did this.

Step 3: Another key is to stay away from mommy blogs--which are huge enablers --they're always suggesting new and even cooler ABSWs.

Step 4: Call a friend. If there is anyone out there looking for a support group, I'll be your accountability partner...I need help!

So far that's all of the steps that I have. And right now I have five items waiting in my zulily cart...another ABSW strikes again. I'm poised on the brink...will I...be able...to resist??? Help!!!

but seriously--how can you not want to accessorize this bundle of cuteness?

My life in hour and a half increments

Nicholas is six months old. He is a joy, he is a delight, he is my life. If you ask me how I'm doing, I'll typically give you the run-down of Nicholas' latest accomplishments and activities. As soon as I wake up, I listen to the baby monitor to determine whether he is awake too. If I don't hear him, I worry whether he is still breathing.

My dreams revolve around scenarios where, for some reason, I have forgotten him somewhere, I can't reach him, I can't feed him, or in some way I can't care for him. This is the stuff of nightmares for me.

I have gone out on dates with my husband, leaving Nicholas in the capable hands of my parents, and spent most of the time reminiscing of how amazing he is, and how joyful our life is with him. I've been keeping him with me at church instead of dropping him off at the nursery, because I love the soft feel of his downy head against my lips and I am intoxicated by his baby scent. The few times I have left him with the wonderful caretakers at the YMCA, I mourn the hour lost where I didn't actively play with him, and worry that he was lonely or bored just sitting in a swing.

Nicholas has about an hour and a half window where he is awake and cheerful. Press the end of that time and he starts to get tired and fussy. So any errand, grocery shopping, lunch date, exercise, etc, has to fit within that hour-and-a-half window or I start to feel like a bad mother. The times where I have pushed off his nap, or assumed he would just nap in the car or on a walk and he ended up missing his nap, I feel like a bad mother.

When he naps, I catch up on housework and phone calls, emails and bills. But a significant part of my time is spent looking at pictures of him, or writing about him, or talking to others about Nicholas. Andy and I cherish the time we have together once Nicholas goes down for the night, but a lot of the conversation is about funny things Nicholas did, or his latest development, and centers on the joy that he has brought to our lives.

My best friends now are those who also have babies. We have so much fun comparing stories and making over each others' babies. We love discussing diaperbags and high chairs rather than shoe sales or clothing styles. We worry over the latest safety concerns and our babies meeting the next developmental milestones.

I watched a movie yesterday called Motherhood, starring Uma Thurman, in which she portrays a mother of two who struggles to keep her identity as a writer, wife and friend alive in the all consuming midst of motherhood. I resonated with some aspects of the movie, but I am still in the honeymoon stage of motherhood, and rather relish being consumed by it. At some point I'm sure Nicholas will grow more independent--off to preschool or the like, and I'll struggle to fill the void left in his absence, but for now, I like being hooked on my baby. So what if I'm a boring mom who can't discuss politics and world events but would rather talk about baby food and high-chairs. Yes, he is my life, and because of Nicholas, my life is filled with joy.

Not the hair!

I admit it. I'm one of those moms. I think I have the most beautiful baby in the world. Sure, other babies are nice and cute, but it is pretty obvious to me that Nicholas surpasses them all. One of his most distinguishing features is his full head of hair. Yes, he came out that way and yes, I did have lots of heartburn!

His hair is so soft and silky. It is dark like mine, and parted just like his dad. I loved it when it's plastered down on his forehead.

And I especially love it when it's a little messy and touseled, right after he's woken up from a particularly long nap.

So imagine my horror when I find a little bald spot forming in the back of his head! And now his hair is starting to thin all over, and I confess it looks a bit like an old man comb-over.

I know that this happens to every baby--the baby hair falls out and new little boy hair grows in. But I really wasn't prepared. It just means he's growing up, and for some reason that is hard for me. Even though I love every new change so much, I so love exactly how he is at each stage that I don't want him to change. Does this make any sense at all?

But I love my baby, and he is so adorable, hair or no hair. His sweet little smile just melts my heart. Who wouldn't love this baby?

Happy Birthday Penelope!

Today my beautiful niece Pelelope turns 2! My brother Ricky and the rest of his lovely family, wife Kendall and children Jaxon and Penelope moved to Charlottesville last June, so that he could begin his residency at UVA. They are really enjoying their new home, but we miss them dearly! Here is a little birthday message for Penelope from Nicholas. (It was all his idea, I swear!)

Update through pictures...

Apparently I'm not so hot at this blogging thing. I just realized that I haven't posted since October!?! Here are Nicholas photo updates since my last posting...

Halloween--sleepy Peapod

Nicholas loves bathtime!

He finally found his thumb!

Nicholas moves to the crib!

Nicholas starts to smile and laugh :).

Jolly little St. Nick

Learns to roll over!

Nicholas sleeps

For the first time last night, Nicholas only woke up once! What an amazing feeling to wake up...not exhausted.

I love going to my baby's room when he first wakes up, whether first thing in the morning or fresh from a nap. He is usually babbling to himself or talking to the turtle stitched on his crib bumper. When I lean my head over the crib he looks at me intently, and then flashes the most amazing smile. He wiggles a bit in excitement and anticipation at being picked up. He is so excited to see me, and I can't help but smile.

He watches me expectantly as I change his diaper, and I remember that he is waiting for the "I'm going to get you" game. Can't believe mommy forgot! As soon as I start saying it slowly, lowering my face down to him, he begins the most wonderful belly laugh, throwing his head back as he chortles in delight. His laugh is infectious, and I can't stop giggling.

Every moment of joy and struggle with my new baby makes me wonder if this is how God views us. Does he look on me with the delight in which I view my baby? When my heart is so full of love for Nicholas, is this just a small sliver of the love that God has for me? These thoughts stun me, make me so thankful for such a personal God.